Are You Your Kid's Bank?

When is it time to stop? 

I was chatting with a retired mother the other day and she mentioned paying off a debt for her only son, who had not paid his utility bill for 6 months.  Feeling sorry and wanting to help him (at a huge cost from her savings) she lovingly, kindly and generously paid the bill for him. That leads me to write the following post to think about.

Most experts would agree that – as a parent – you need to set a behavioral example for your children.  Parents need to teach their children to save and invest, but also Why/When/How to spend money wisely as they grow into adulthood.  If you do well in educating them about managing their own money, then their financial health in the future will be positive. Children need to be able to learn to save their own money; from what they earn doing odd jobs around the house, gifted money received for birthdays, etc. Advise them on setting goals and assist them in budgeting for that ‘special purchase’. Once the full amount has been saved up, compliment your child and reinforce the steps used to achieve their goal.  If your child is ready to pay cash, example for that desired bicycle, he/she will understand the method for all future purchases.   

As parents, we always try to give our children the best of everything and/or provide for their needs as best we can.  

But what happens when your child is now an adult?  Is there an age limit to acknowledge that your child should be self-sufficient?  When do you, as an adult, finally realize that your child (age 40+) should be able to pay their own expenses?  No excuses, no emotion, just the need to face the facts…!

Yes, mothers feel the need to make their children feel 'safe and secure' and make everything better, and will feel guilt and blame themselves for being a ‘bad parent’ if they don't help their children.  Moms will settle their children’s debt even when they can’t afford to do so as a pensioner with limited savings?  Is this considered helping?  Have your children not learned that their spending habits or their mismanagement related to paying their bills cannot become someone else’s responsibility?  

It seems like we struggle with this concept.  As mothers, we may think that we have an obligation to help our kids and that this one sacrifice may not happen again…until the next time!  Unfortunately, if that is how you manage your adult children, I have to break to you, it will happen again, and again, and again!

Your child may be in their 30's, 40's… or dare I say nearly 50?!  How many times have you stepped in to pay their debt, and how many more times are you prepared to fall into this weak parenting trap?  

Maybe it’s time to say, ‘I love you but… I am not the bank’.